


the trials and tribulations of adventurer Essek Thelyss (surname pending)

by soyybeanboy



Series: the essek saga [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Adventurer Essek Thelyss, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drunken Shenanigans, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Introspection, Kissing (Eventually), M/M, Shadowgast, awkward essek, eventual shadowgast
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:41:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27380626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soyybeanboy/pseuds/soyybeanboy
Summary: Finally free of the suffocating pressures and responsibilities of his life in Rohsona, Essek takes to the open road with his new family. He never imagined that it would be easy, but even so, this life is nothing like he expected.It's in uncomfortable conversations, arguments, awkwardness, and the never-ending patience of his friends that Essek finally begins to learn how to be a person again.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Series: the essek saga [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1999450
Comments: 2
Kudos: 67





	1. all the things i've never done (are my most desperate wishes)

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go! Saddle up, it's Adventurer Essek time! I'm planning Shadowgast, drunken shenanigans, and lots of Essek being awkward, because that gives me, personally, a lot of serotonin. I'll add tags as I go, because I'm not always sure what will come up as the story continues!
> 
> Feel free to correct any spelling and grammar mistakes that you may find! I edited this myself, so I doubt that it's perfect.
> 
> Enjoy! <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek, going adventuring with the Mighty Nein? Wouldn’t that be something. They’d invited him a handful of times before, and he’d always declined without question. He wasn’t sure that he’d accept, should they ask again, but his default answer came with a bit more hesitance the more he considered it.
> 
> The more he thought about it, the more enticing the idea became. Sleeping beside his friends, in that dome that Caleb was always talking about. Laughing and telling stories by the fire, traveling to far-off places and experiencing things he’d only ever read about in books. And to think of all he could learn…so many cultures to see, places to explore, secrets to uncover. No bureaucracy controlling what he could and couldn’t study, what he was allowed to understand. No politics. Just…well, freedom. That’s what it was.
> 
> For once in his life, Essek realized that he had a choice. The only problem was that one option was absolutely crazy, and the other was absolutely miserable.

The clock on the wall was taunting him.

Essek had been watching it tick away for what felt like hours, his hands still despite the pile of work in front of him. He knew he had things to do, forms to fill out, reports to write, but he couldn’t shake this suffocating _boredom_.

It was almost puzzling to him, how unmotivated he was to get to work. Normally, it was all he thought about. He was a master of efficiency, and had a reputation that reflected that.

Lately, though…it had all started to feel so mundane.

The clock began to chime loudly, and Essek jumped in surprise. He scowled at the clock as if it were to blame for all of this nonsense, and tried to turn his attention back to his forms. Not a moment later, his mind started wandering again. With a sigh, he resigned himself to the daydream. His effort was all but useless at this point, anyway.

The Mighty Nein were on his mind again, that eclectic group of adventurers that had somehow all but destroyed the walls he’d been hiding behind all his life. Family, they’d called him. He couldn't remember when they'd first called him that, but that was part of the joy of it, really. In meetings, when he found himself with nothing to do but stand around and listen to a group of stuffy politicians discuss pointless endeavors, he often found himself wishing that they were there with him. That’s what family was like, he had begun to discover. People you fight with, people you care for, people you enjoy. Love, even, not that he’d be so bold as to say something like that.

Most of his spare time was spent with them as of late. Whereas previously he’d used his work as an excuse to escape them, it was often the other way around now. He was his happiest around them, his freest, and found himself missing them when they were apart.

It was so...awkward to feel this way. He’d never experienced this before. In his childhood, he did everything he could to be away from his family, and had just assumed that all homes were like his - distant, cold, and oppressing. Not the Nein, though. They were engaged, and warm, and inviting, everything he’d thought he could never have. 

Goodness, he didn’t know when he’d become so sentimental.

Rising from his chair, Essek stretched, letting his back pop and crack until the kinks straightened themselves out. Caduceus often told him that he should take walks more often, and while Essek had been loathe to admit it, he knew that it was probably reasonable advice.

He ran his finger along the top row of one of his bookshelves, muttering the names on the spines quietly to himself until he found the one he’d been looking for. With a satisfied smile he retrieved his cloak from where it hung on the door and tucked the book into a large pocket, casting his levitation spell with a snap on his way out the door.

He hesitated for a moment in the threshold, thinking of the piles of papers that cluttered his study. The moment was fleeting, though, and he shook his head before continuing down the road. His work could wait until he was in a better headspace to complete it, surely. 

The path to the Xhorhaus - a name that made him smile with amusement every time he heard it - was familiar by now, and soon, he was at the door. Before he could even knock, the door swung open, and Jester was there to usher him inside.

He dropped his levitation spell the moment they were out of sight and slid off his mantle, draping it over a chair. As if he’d been there all along, Jester seized his hand and began chattering about something that she’d clearly been halfway through discussing before he arrived.

“Hey, Essek!” Beau called from the dining room.

“Hello, Beau!” he replied, waving quickly as Jester dragged him into the living room. They shared a brief smile, and Essek saw Beau start to rise as he was pulled out of eyeshot.

“Oh my gosh, Essek, we have so much to tell you! This week has been _crazy!_ You would have loved it.” Jester exclaimed, all but shoving him down onto his usual place on the couch.

Essek chuckled slightly at her enthusiasm, running a hand through his hair to fix the curls she’d displaced. “I’m sure I would have. It’s a shame I missed it.”

“You should just come with next time we do something crazy, then!” It was a casual enough comment, forgotten by Jester as she launched into a lengthy explanation of who the Traveller really was and how they ‘totally met, like, a god, and she was real mad!’ 

Essek, though, was fixated on it.

Go with them? Wouldn’t that be something. They’d invited him a handful of times before, and he’d always declined without question. He wasn’t sure that he’d accept, should they ask again, but his default answer came with a bit more hesitance the more he thought about it.

What would adventuring with them even look like? Him, on the road, sleeping outside? Sitting around a smoky fire at night? Eating rations for weeks on end?

Although… the more he thought about it, the more enticing the idea became. Sleeping beside his friends, in that dome that Caleb was always talking about. Laughing and telling stories by the fire, traveling to far-off places and experiencing things he’d only ever read about in books. And to think of all he could learn…so many cultures to see, places to explore, secrets to uncover. No bureaucracy controlling what he could and couldn’t study, what he was allowed to understand. No politics. Just…well, freedom. That’s what it was.

“Essek? Are you listening?” Jester’s voice cut into his fantasy - and that’s all it was, Essek told himself. A fantasy - and he looked up at her, smiling apologetically.

“My apologies, I was distracted. What were you saying?”

As Jester continued her story, Essek forced himself to let those silly daydreams go. He wasn’t made for adventuring, and besides, his life was…good. Successful. That was all he needed. Uprooting it for a group of people he hadn’t known for more than a few months was ridiculous!

Right?

That night, as he drifted off into a trance in his large, empty tower, he found himself dreaming.

The clattering wood of a moving cart beneath him, in the midst of an exquisitely unfamiliar landscape. Voices around him, joyful and rowdy. People he didn’t have to see to know who they were.

When he woke the next morning, his chest was tight with anxiety. The dream left him reeling, swimming in an endless expanse of “what if” questions. Funnily enough, he realized, the thing that had scared him most was how utterly content he had felt.

But…no. His life was fine. There was no need to entertain a dream as if it would ever come true.

* * *

“Shadowhand?”

Essek blinked for a moment, torn from his train of thought. “Ah…yes?”

The man who stood before him was a member of the Bright Queen’s council, no more notable than any of the others, in his opinion. He could barely even recall the name.

“I asked you for a full report on the project we discussed recently, and you have yet to provide one. From what I’ve heard, this is quite unlike you.”

“My apologies,” Essek said, mentally cursing himself for his carelessness. “You will have it soon. There are…a few more details that require my attention.”

“Yes, yes. Just see to it that is gets done.” The man walked away in a huff, and Essek waited until he was just out of earshot to mutter a rather rude word in Undercommon. It felt nice to allow himself that little bit of pettiness.

* * *

Most in Rohsona knew his name, but few knew his face. It was a comforting thing to know as Essek strolled through the outskirts of the Gallimaufry, dressed in the simplest clothes he owned. The district was rowdy, crammed with taverns and dive bars and all sort of interesting people. It was such a stark contrast to the energy of the Lucid Bastion, and that of his own neighborhood. He had no experience in places like this, but did his best to appear as though he belonged. With no features that identified him as someone of noble standing, no one spared him a second glance. It was absolutely wonderful.

He walked into a tavern that looked interesting, sliding into a stool at the bar and ordering a glass of whiskey. The alcohol burned as it slid down his throat, completely unlike the fine wines he was used to. He ordered another glass. Then another, and another, letting himself fall into conversation with the other drunken patrons that came through. What had possessed him to do this, he didn’t know, but he was having a _great_ time.

Eventually, he stumbled out of the bar, his vision blurry and movements uncoordinated as he made his way through the streets. He felt so light and bubbly, every little thing making him giggle like a child. A few people shot him glances, but for the most part it seemed that drunken idiots weren’t exactly an uncommon sight around here.

“Hey, you alright?” A voice called from behind him, and he swiveled around to see a stout drow woman staring up at him.

“I…am very drunk,” Essek chuckled, his voice heavily slurred. She chuckled. 

“I can see that. You know where you’re going?”

Now that she mentioned it, he had no idea. Back to his home wasn’t an option, as he couldn’t be seen like this by any of his neighbors. The Xhorhaus had the same problem, it was too nice of a neighborhood. 

“Uh…no.” He said eventually, rubbing at the nape of his neck. “I mean…yes, I guess, but no, I can’t go. I am having a _wonderful_ time out here, though!” He threw his arms out for emphasis, somehow catching himself off guard and stumbling to the side. The woman caught him, letting him lean on her shoulder.

“Alright, calm yourself,” she huffed, straining under the effort of keeping him upright. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Essek knew he should be embarrassed, but he was in too good of a mood for that. “Come on, there’s a place nearby where you can stay ‘till you sober up.”

Things began to get a little blurry after that. He felt himself walking, but couldn’t exactly remember where to. He heard people talking, and eventually realized that he was sprawled across a cot.

“This is nice,” He mumbled to himself, the alcohol dragging him into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

* * *

He woke up the next morning with a pounding headache.

He groaned loudly, pressing his fingers into his eyes and painstakingly pushing himself into a sitting position.

“Morning!” A voice (far too loud for his liking) said. He glanced over at the source, barely recognizing the face. He knew he’d seen her somewhere…

She laughed heartily at the confusion on his face. “You must have been absolutely hammered last night! Welcome back to the world of the living.”

Oh! That’s right. She was the woman who’d brought him here. Wherever ‘here’ was. Essek glanced around the room, taking in the water-warped wooden walls and haphazard rows of cots and blankets set up around the room. Below him, he could hear the soft sounds of pots and pans and cooking things.

“I, uh…” he winced at the sound of his own voice. “Where am I?”

“The Twilight Tankard!” The woman announced proudly, lowering her tone when Essek instinctively covered his ears. “Sorry, dear. You’re at the Twilight Tankard. My sister and I run the place, and we try to gather up any drunken stragglers on the streets before it gets too late, let them sleep somewhere safe.”

Essek nodded. “Kind of you.”

“Eh, we do what we can for each other out here!” She smiled brightly, offering Essek a hand. He took it, letting her help him to his feet. “Have you got a place to go? You didn’t seem sure last night.”

“Ah. I do, don’t worry. I was just a little…addled, you could say.”

She smirked knowingly, ushering Essek outside. The street was bustling now, filled with chatter and people going about their business. It did nothing for his headache, but was an interesting sight nonetheless. “Come back anytime!” The woman called, closing the door gently behind him.

As he walked back to his home, doing his best to avoid the busiest streets, Essek felt a giddiness building in his chest. Not the fuzzy, bubbly kind that had come from the alcohol, but real, genuine excitement. He’d never done anything like that before, and stumbling home in wrinkled clothes with a terrible hangover felt almost like…adolescent rebellion. The kind he’d never had the chance to partake in. And just for that night, it had been like his responsibilities didn’t exist. That taste of something different left him hungry for more.

What else was he missing, he wondered?

* * *

“This is crazy,” Beau whispered, and Essek blinked up at her blearily.

“I’m hungover, Beau, not _undead_.” He grumbled in reply. He was seated at his dining room table, surrounded by the members of the Nein. He wasn’t sure why he’d invited them over, except that he’d simply missed their company.

“No, I know, but it’s so weird to see you being, like…not completely perfect.”

He frowned at that, but eventually gave in to the quiet laughs rising around him. “I’ll admit, I’m not used to this either.” Essek chuckled. “But I did have a wonderful time last night.”

“Where did you sleep?” Jester asked, mouth full of the pastries Essek had set out for her. “I bet if you someone saw you walking home drunk last night, we’d know by now.”

“I slept at a tavern. Some woman brought me there, I don’t think I got her name.”

“Oh my god, you crashed at a tavern because you were too drunk to get home?” Beau exclaimed. “Who are you and what have you done with Essek Thelyss?”

“She’s just mad she wasn’t there to see it,” Fjord whispered, and Essek couldn’t help but stifle a laugh at that.

“If you had been, I’m sure you wouldn’t remember much more than I do.” He sighed contentedly, his gaze falling to his hands. “Last night…well, I suppose I realized how much I was missing.”

Across the table, faces turned from amused to curious. 

“What do you mean?” Caleb asked.

“I mean…” Goodness, how to put this? “My whole life…I’ve lived under a very specific set of expectations and unspoken rules. The furthest I’ve ever been from my home are the places I’ve teleported you to, and even then, I’m only there for a moment. I want _more_ than this. Last night was only a taste of the things I’ve imagined. It was _fun._ ” The word felt foreign to him, in a strange way.

The room went quiet for a moment. Contemplative, almost.

“Are you saying…you want to go adventuring?” Caduceus asked eventually, bated excitement underlining his words.

There, that was the question. Essek knew the answer was yes, he wanted to so badly, but it was more complicated than that. He had responsibilities here. Leaving his position for something as lowly as mercenary work would be an insurmountable failure. At least, that was how he knew everyone would see it. They’d think he was lazy, or that something was wrong with him that he wasn’t letting on. He was barely a young adult, and anyone who left such an important position at his age…well, he had nothing to compare it to. It had never happened.

“I suppose I do,” He said finally, “But unfortunately, I don’t think that it will be a possibility.”

The room erupted immediately, a break in the tension sending everything cascading out all at once. Essek groaned loudly and buried his face in his hands. “I appreciate the input, truly, but _please_ , my head is pounding!”

“Oh, right.” Jester pressed her lips together, waving her hands in everyone’s faces until they stopped talking. “Sorry!”

Quietly, Fjord began to repeat himself. “What do you mean, it’s not a possibility? What’s stopping you?”

“Yeah,” Beau climbed onto the table, settling down cross-legged in the center. “Aren’t you, like, super important? It seems to me like you could do whatever you want.”

Essek furrowed his eyebrows, regarding Beau with a curious glance. “You don’t know much about the social climate I deal with, do you?”

“I have no idea, you guys are weird here,” she admitted. 

“Then tell us,” Caleb said, shooting a glance at Beau. “We want to understand.”

Essek sighed heavily. He had no idea how to explain this. It was such a complex web of reputations, expectations, rules, culture, politics…it would be hard enough to get across everything he wanted to say in Undercommon, his mother tongue, and in any other language, next to impossible. And that wasn’t even beginning to get into his _own_ hang ups. His fear of being a useless party member, of somehow getting his friends hurt with his lack of experience. “Can we talk about this when I’m not hungover?” Essek said eventually, casting a hopeful glance across the table.

“You’re deflecting. Answer the question,” Beau deadpanned, crossing her arms.

“I wouldn’t know where to begin.” Essek mumbled. He rubbed his face, sliding his hands back into his hair as he considered his words carefully. “I…have responsibilities here. Not just to the Dynasty itself, but to people within it. People who have very high expectations of me. I have no doubt that they’d force me to jump through every hoop imaginable before I can resign from my position. Hell, they might simply refuse my request before I even get that far. It’s not as easy as you seem to think it is. And disregarding all of the technical challenges…I simply can’t afford to be a disappointment.”

“But…you’re disappointing yourself,” Veth said, her head barely peeking over the edge of the table. Essek made a mental note to get a taller chair. “By not doing what you want.” 

“Yes, I suppose, but I’m not important.”

The table burst into shouts again, any actual words lost in the mess.

“Might I remind you again that I’m _very hungover!”_ Essek shouted, pulling the collar of his jacket up to cover his head. Amorphous black spots were drifting across the edges of his vision now. That probably wasn’t a good sign. The table quieted down slightly, but everyone was still fighting to get their word in.

“You are important, Essek!” Jester whined, just as Beau said,

“That’s some bullshit, and you know it.”

He shook his head, frustrated at the sheer impossibility of expressing exactly what he meant. “I mean that there are larger things than me. Things that I must attend to, work I have to do. All of my resources are here, and I can’t abandon my life to run away in pursuit of a fantasy!” A brief pause. Essek let the rest of his breath, and allowed himself a shameful admission. “As much as I wish that I could.”

“Do you…” As Caleb began to speak, all eyes turned to him, and he cleared his throat awkwardly. “Do you feel you must do these things out of obligation, or is it truly torn interests holding you back?”

“Well, like I said,” Essek laughed humorlessly. “If I could leave this all behind, I would. But I can’t.”

“You know, the people here can’t really judge you if you’re, like, a thousand miles away. Like, what are they going to do, send you a message every morning that’s like, ‘Hey, Essek, just letting you know that we’re, like, really disappointed in you still! Talk to you tomorrow!’” Jester said. "I mean, it's not like we _have_ to come back here if you leave with us." Her tone was teasing, but she did have some semblance of a point.

“I…” It was getting more difficult to argue, and Essek wanted nothing more than for the Nein to keep giving him reasons to go. To argue with the ones he’d given. He wanted to have no arguments left as to why he couldn’t pack his bags right this moment. “It’s an insane notion.”

“Well, we’re all a little crazy here!” Caduceus offered a smile. “If you feel like you’re being called by something, you shouldn’t ignore it.”

“I don’t look for direction in signs from gods,” Essek refuted. 

“I don’t mean from gods,” Caduceus replied. “You know what you want, that much is clear. The pull is inside you. To ignore it is a missed opportunity.”

That…was a lot to consider.

Essek glanced around the table. Everyone’s eyes were trained on him, waiting for his reply. Waiting for his _choice_. His gaze began to wander around the room, taking in his vast, empty home for what felt like the millionth time. 

For ages, he’d thrived on familiarity, structure, and direction. He was so successful because he’d always done what was asked of him. Yes, he knew he was selfish, but this desire felt so different from the hunger for knowledge he’d fostered since his youth. That was like a fire that burned in his chest. This was like a guiding hand. A wish, whispered into the wind.

“If you ask me again to come with you, I don’t think I’ll be able to say no.” He admitted, a silent plea behind the words.

“Well, Essek. We were planning to leave on a new adventure in a few days’ time.” Caleb began, the ghost of a smile tugging at his lips. After an agonizing moment of quiet, Caleb finally said, “Would you come with us?”

Essek bit his lip, trying in vain to temper the delighted grin that spread across his face. There was only one answer he could reasonably give.

“Absolutely.”


	2. i wonder if i'm good enough (for you, most of all)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek bit his lip, staring down at his hands. “I don't hold myself to impossible standards, Caleb. I fail to achieve them. It would seem that without the power of a Dynasty behind me, I’m nothing more than a pathetic young wizard with ambitions to big for his own good.” He took a deep breath, trying to keep a level head despite the knot in his throat. “It would seem that everyone was justified in their doubts about me.”

“Essek, behind you!” Jester cried out, her voice barely audible over the slew of growls, clanging metal, shouts and small explosions that surrounded them. Essek turned just in time to stare straight down a gaping, toothy maw. He cried out as the teeth sunk into his side, sending rivers of crimson blood cascading down his body. One of his arms was pinned, leaving him scrambling to execute a spell, _any spell,_ with only one hand.

 _“Mareste Kalav!”_ He shouted, voice shaking as he thrust his hand forward. The creature that held him let out a muffled cry as it was sucked towards the small gravity well that Essek had created. He felt a sharp pull in his own chest, realizing too late that the spell would affect him just as badly as the creature.

His body was wracked with agony as he was crushed by his own incantation. With all the strength he had left, he sliced a hand through the air to dispel it, and both he and the creature fell to the ground with a _crack!_

Essek clung to consciousness for as long as he could, focusing on keeping himself breathing as blood gushed from his wounds. He hissed in pain as the teeth slid out of his skin and watched the creature leap to its feet, shaking off its injuries and lunging for someone else.

Eventually, the pain grew too intense to bear, and his body forced him into unconsciousness, a senseless expanse of black.

When he blinked open his eyes, he had no idea how long he’d been out. Jester stood over him, chewing on her tongue as she directed the bright divine energy that sparked at her fingertips. He coughed weakly, earning himself a bright smile from Jester.

“Good, you’re awake! You went down really quickly, we all thought you might be dead for a minute!”

“I’m certainly grateful that I’m not,” Essek said, pushing himself upright with a soft groan. The gashes on his side weren’t bleeding so profusely anymore, but they were still raw and sore to the touch. Jester helped him to his feet, kicking aside on of the corpses as she walked with him back to the cart.

“I apologize, I know I wasn’t much help,” Essek mumbled sheepishly. Some powerful mage he was, losing a battle to a couple of furry mutations. “Did anyone else, uh…go down?”

“No, just you.” Jester shrugged. “It’s okay, though, since you’re new and everything. You’ll get the hang of this eventually, and then you’ll be kicking butt with us in no time!”

For once, Jester’s never-ending positivity only made Essek feel worse. He ducked his head, following Jester back to the cart in silence and tucking himself into a corner. As they started moving again, he dug through his bag and pulled out the first book he could find, halfheartedly pretending to read it as he held it up in front of his face.

He’d been on the road with the Mighty Nein for…what was it, a few weeks now? Caleb would know exactly, but Essek wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone after that humiliating display. He’d thought that combat on the road would be the least of his worries, with how many spells he had in his repertoire, but he was proved wrong almost immediately.

Real combat was a far cry from the hypotheticals that he’d immersed himself in back in Rohsona. There was hardly a moment to focus, prepare, or even _think_ when a battle came about _._ With a few glaring exceptions, Essek wasn’t a creature of impulse. Without a plan, he was all but useless. A liability, even, with how often he found himself in need of protection, or frozen in place as his mind raced to catch up with the action around him. Now that he was thinking about it, Essek realized that he couldn’t name a single useful thing he’d done for the Nein since joining them. He’d never dealt the final blow in a fight, or protected someone from harm in any notable way. No useful ideas, nothing.

He sighed. In Rohsona, his talents were coveted. People called him a prodigy. As suffocating as it had been, he hadn’t realized how desperately he’d relied on that validation, as tenuous as it was, until it was gone.

He glanced up as a figure settled beside him- Caleb.

“What are you reading?” He asked, leaning forward to glance at the cover.

“Nothing important,” Essek replied, closing the book with a _snap_ and tucking it back into his bag. “Just passing the time, I suppose.”

Caleb hummed in reply, eyes fixed in a curious gaze as an uncomfortable silence fell between them.

Essek looked over his shoulder, awkwardly wringing his hands as he realized that Caleb was, in fact, staring at him.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked eventually, eyebrows furrowed as he cast his friend a sidelong glance. Caleb blinked, quickly averting his eyes as if he hadn’t realized what he was doing.

“Sorry, I, uh…you just seemed…distracted.”

“You’re one to talk, Widogast.” Essek forced an awkward smile, wishing that he’d done anything else the moment he saw the look on Caleb’s face. He dropped the smile immediately, fixing his gaze on his hands. “Apologies. I am a bit distracted, but it’s nothing that you need to concern yourself with.”

“Would it surprise you to know that I’m still curious?” Caleb offered a small smile.

“A bit, actually,” Essek admitted. “I imagine that you must be displeased with me.”

“What? Why would I be?” His tone seemed genuine, and Essek looked up to meet his eyes. After years of receiving only cold disappointment in response to even the smallest failures, the genuine confusion and concern in Caleb’s expression was almost overwhelming in its unfamiliarity.

“I…I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” Essek found himself scrambling for the right words, his mind spinning as he tried to find a way to explain himself. This sort of thing was completely foreign to him. He had no idea what to say, or what Caleb wanted from him.

“I’m afraid that I don’t, either.” Caleb said, both flushing as they struggled to make sense of the other. “I, uh…displeased was the word you used. You think that I’m displeased with you?”

“Are you not?”

“Why would I-” Caleb trailed off, running his fingers through his hair. “We’re talking in circles now, Essek.”

Essek let out a terse, awkward chuckle, a poor attempt to break the tension more than anything else. “I just assumed that you’d be…disappointed, I suppose, in how relatively useless I’ve been as of late.”

“Useless? There are many words I would use to describe you, Essek, but ‘useless’ isn’t one of them.” Caleb said. “We’re squishy, you and I. We’re bound to go down more often than the others.”

“No, that’s not the problem.” Essek interrupted, much more forcefully than he’d meant to. “We’re wizards, not warriors, fine. I understand that. The problem is that I can’t even win a fight with magic at my disposal. I have no time to _think._ Jester wastes her spells on me time and time again as I lose to something that the rest of you could easily take on your own.”

“I think you’re exaggerating,” Caleb mumbled, shifting uncomfortably. All of the emotional intelligence was on the other side of the cart at the moment.

“Am I?” Essek laughed bitterly, leaning back against the coarse wooden planks behind him.

“ _Ja.”_ Caleb insisted, exceedingly matter-of-fact. “I…well, we’ve all been at this for far longer than you have. I understand the frustration, but you’re being unreasonable with yourself.”

Now, that was something that truly threw Essek. Unreasonable? Setting high expectations for himself was how he’d secured success all his life. It was only recently that he’d found himself falling short. “It isn’t the expectations that are the issue, Caleb.” Essek said. “It’s my failure to reach them. Is it really so unreasonable that I want to be a useful member of this party?”

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what _are_ you saying?”

“That you’re acting like your place here is conditional!” Caleb exclaimed, drawing the attention of a few of the others. He looked around, waving them away and taking a breath before he continued, “We’re not disappointed with you because you went down in a battle. If anything, _you_ seem more upset with yourself than any of us.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

Caleb stared at Essek for a moment, bewilderment written across his face as he searched for something to say. Eventually, he settled on,

“You can be quite infuriating.”

“It’s part of my charm.” Essek deadpanned, crossing his arms. He shut his mouth, pressing his lips into a tight line as he stared off into the distance. After a while, he felt a careful pressure as Caleb laid his hand on the bloodstained fabric that covered Essek’s shoulder.

“Essek…I know what it is like to hold yourself to impossible standards.” He said, his voice barely a whisper. “If you would just be _honest_ with me…I imagine that I could offer some perspective, if nothing else.”

Essek bit his lip, staring down at his hands. “They’re not impossible standards, Caleb. It _would_ seem, though, that without the power of a Dynasty behind me, I’m nothing more than a pathetic young wizard with ambitions to big for his own good.” He took a deep breath, trying to keep a level head despite the knot in his throat. “It would seem that everyone was justified in their doubts about me.”

“Essek…you must know that we didn’t invite you to join us because we thought you were a good fighter- ah…” He fumbled for words as he registered the hurt that crossed Essek’s face. “I mean- not- you are talented, of course, and I’ve learned quite a lot from you, but it- _gott…_ I am terrible at this. I mean…” Caleb let out a sharp breath through his teeth, eventually settling on, “You are here because you are a member of this family, and the things you have yet to learn play no part in our opinion of you.”

“…You mean that?”

“Of course,” Caleb looked somewhat encouraged that his words were finally coming across right. “This kind of combat is difficult. We were all much like you when we started adventuring together. It takes time to learn how your talents are best applied. Though…” Essek sensed a careful hesitance in Caleb’s next words. “I am not the most insightful of individuals, but…I gather that this is about more than just combat.”

Essek offered a half-smile. “Perhaps. Though, that is conversation for a different time.”

Caleb nodded. “Fair enough. If it would suit you, I could teach you a thing or two. You’re one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, but you could use some work when it comes to improvisation.”

“That is true enough,” Essek chuckled. “I wouldn’t mind a lesson. It’s about time you started repaying all of those favors you owe me.”

“So, the student becomes the master?” Caleb smiled, holding out his hand.

Essek considered Caleb carefully. He wasn’t exactly convinced that his insecurities were unfounded, but it was comfort enough to know that he wasn’t a complete disappointment, at least in the eyes of the Nein. And besides, he was never one to pass up an opportunity to learn. With a resolute grin, he accepted the handshake, eyes glittering with amusement as Caleb yelped at the playful shock of energy that Essek pressed into his palm.

“We’ll see about that, Widogast.”

**Author's Note:**

> *that one meme where link is holding up a picture and it's of essek* it's my fanfic and i get to chose the characterization!!!!
> 
> In all seriousness, I hope you enjoyed this and that it wasn't too ooc!! I personally imagine that Essek would have to deal with a lot of new insecurities if he began adventuring. In part, because I think he'd realize that his skillset is way more limited than he thought it was.
> 
> I also imagine that he wouldn't have a handle on how to deal with petty conflict very well, and there's a lot of interesting potential with his last name...but that can wait for future chapters! See you soon! <3


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